Thursday, November 17, 2005
What Happened To The Butterflies?

Writing this post is a huge leap for me. I am trying to stretch myself far out of my comfort zone. I think that it is important for me to get this out, and as you read it, please keep in mind that just because you might not agree with me, does not give you the right to be cruel or rude to me. I have turned on comment moderation, just for the time being, and all comments will be going through MJ before they appear here. He has the ability to not care about what people think, so I am letting him deal with any assholes that decide to share their opinion here.

I have never been particularly good at monogamy. Every single relationship I have ever had eventually involved some level of infidelity (including my early days with MJ) . Yes, I am young, and I have only had a handful of serious relationships in my life, but I seem to be prone to spreading the love around, so to speak.

It's not that I liked cheating, or wanted to hurt the person that I was with. For reasons unkown, I just seemed to find myself in love/lust/infatuation with other people at the same time that I was involved with someone else. It wasn't because I wasn't fulfilled or happy in my relationships at the time, and please spare me any arguments to the contrary, you weren't there.

Of course, you could argue, that just because I felt a certain way, did not mean that I had to act on it. That is true, but I never really understood why I should have to limit myself to just loving one person (especially when I was younger and wanted to experiment a lot).

We are expected to love our parents, our siblings, other family members and friends, and all of our children. Humans have such a HUGE capacity for love and affection. It makes me wonder why on earth we can't have romantic love with anyone but our husband/wife/partner/whatever. Please understand that I am not making an argument for poly relationships or swinging or what have you, this is simply me thinking outloud. I haven't yet decided how I feel about these things, at least not in any absolute kind of way. Seriously though, think about it. If we can have loads of love for everyone under the sun, doesn't it make sense, at least intellectually, that we should have the capacity to be in love with more than one person at a time? I am not saying it is right, or moral, or my choice, it simply seems to make sense rationally.

A lot of people get married and are completely fulfilled by their partner. They have no desire to be with anyone else, and you know what, that is awesome. I really want that to be me...I just don't know if it can be me.

See, last weekend I met someone else.

Another man.

Don't all gasp in horror, MJ knew and knows everything about it both before and after the entire thing. I certainly wouldn't blog about it here before I told him about it.

I felt a strong connection with this other person.

And that totally freaked me out.

I never really expected that sort of thing to happen, as I have not felt this way about anyone besides MJ in a long time. Of course I don't have the same feelings for...(hmmm, I suppose he needs a name, so I will refer to him as B). Anyway, I don't have the same feelings for B that I have for MJ, that is just ridiculous.

But there was that potential.

I could totally see myself falling for this guy, given the time and circumstances.

And that fact, that potential for love outside of my marriage, well it totally fucked me up.

I will admit that I have always looked down my nose with total contempt at people who are unfaithful. I am only slightly less disgusted by people who do it consensually. Being the pervert that I am, I try to keep an open mind and not judge others, because I don't like to be judged. But my entire life I knew that any sort of 'cheating' was WRONG WRONG WRONG.

As you can see, this is causing a lot of emotional turmoil for me. On one hand I have always been raised Catholic, taught that you are supposed to fall in love with one person, and one person only. I love MJ more than anything in the world. He makes me happier than I ever thought possible. I don't need anyone else to fulfill me. I also don't need chocolate cake, but that doesn't stop me from eating it. On the other hand, I don't know what to do with all these messy feelings I am having. I keep wondering what I am supposed to be feeling or thinking, are there any right or wrong answers, what does it all mean?

Given the opportunity, should I see this other person again? Should I chalk it up to some lapse of sanity and just get on with things? Should I just go with it and see what happens? Should I try to forget that it ever happened?

So many questions, so few answers. I don't think that I have the life experience to deal with this sort of thing.

Anyone that might be concerned about the state of my marriage, don't be. I have been totally honest with MJ about all of my feelings. He and I have talked about it a lot, and will continue to talk about it. We aren't going through a hard time or anything, this is just something unexpected that happened, and we are trying to figure it out as best we can. We are not considering poly or having an open marriage or anything like that. We have never been in this situation before, so we are taking our time making sense of it all. There is no threat of things going downhill, and MJ has the absolute last word in where we go from this point. I would never put my marriage or my kids on the line, and neither would MJ. Basically we are just being very cautious, talking lots, and making sure that everything it out in the open.

So here I am, my underbelly exposed. I don't know where this is going, if anywhere. I may blog about it again, I may not. But I felt that I should get this out, at least for my own good. Thank you for taking the time to read it, and hopefully the comment moderation will have been for nothing.

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