Wednesday, November 16, 2005
My Complexes Give Me A Complex

Well, my life upheaval has kind of leveled out. I still feel like something is off-kilter in my brain, but it isn't consuming me at this point. I still don't have the answers, I don't know if I can find them right now. Hell, I don't even know if they exist.

I have been hesitant to blog about the details of what caused all this heavy emotional stuff. See, I have a complex when it comes to blogging. Let me explain... or try to ;)

I LOVE writing, and blogging seems to agree with me. I actually like how I write on this blog, as opposed to when I try to write anything else, cause then I am just crap. I can't write fiction, non-fiction, my life story, nothing. It just comes out sounding totally mental. When I found blogging, I sort of found my writing niche. I can do this, the sporadic outpouring of my soul onto this page. My tiny corner of cyber space where I reveal to you the inner workings of my mind.

Sadly, I suffer from another complex that seriously stunts the blogging experience for me. I cannot STAND to know that someone doesn't like me. It doesn't have to be someone I know, but if I suspect that someone doesn't like me, I just feel crushed. Seriously, and I know it sounds totally fucked up.

For example, every time we had to deal with people involved in the building of our new house (kitchen designers, flooring people, etc, etc) I worried that they might not like me. I worry that when people act like they like me, that they are actually faking it and secretly dislike me.

I know that it is terribly egotistical to believe that people spend so much time thinking about me (either positively or negatively). Plus I know that this entire problem stems from my struggle with low self-esteem and self-doubt. So why can't I just get over it?

Beats the hell out of me, but if you have the answer, please share. I would love to know how to stop caring about what other people think.

So, back to blogging. Because I am so afraid that I will say something that will cause my readers to not like me or stop reading me, I censor myself. Sometimes more than others. When it comes to topics that I think might make some of my readers boo and hiss, I just don't blog them. Or I do blog them, but I keep it vague.

This is one of those times. I am seriously too chicken to tell you all the truth about what happened to me recently. I am afraid that some of you won't like it.

Good grief, I feel stupider just for admitting it. I have to hit publish now or I might just delete this post.



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