A Good Use For The Forgotten Veggies In Your Fridge...
Ok, the time has come to unburden myself. After all, this is my blog and that's what it's for, right?
Some of you are going to gasp in horror at what I am about to tell you. A few of you might even lose some respect for me. I am sure that at least one person will want to shriek what a huge hypocrite I am and throw a rotten tomato at me.
I will brave all of that because this is something significant that happened recently and I want to talk about it.
A few weekends ago my best friend V. and I drove to Saskatchewan to visit our other best friend, M. The three of us have been friends for 7 years and we only get together once or twice a year. We make sure to make the most of our time together by staying up until dawn and talking endlessly, about all manner of things.
We also like to re-live moments from our lives as 18 year olds, by going drinking. Basically our trip was a three-day bender for us, and it was loads of fun.
Some of you might know that MJ has more than a passing interest in swinging. Particularly in me being with another man. This thought turns him on beyond reasonable belief, but I have always resisted, due to my severe disapproval of most kinds of swinging (thanks to Tom and Swan I have become a little less narrow-minded in my view of poly relationships). I still think that having sexual relations with anyone other than a persons primary partner can be horribly detrimental.
All that aside, MJ was doing everything in his power to encourage me to seduce some stranger and have my way with him. I dismissed his requests with a half-hearted "we'll see" (which is my classic response to anything that I am not really interested in).
The three of us were out on the town, having drinks on the patio of this large Irish Pub. We met some very nice guys and M. (the only officially single gal of the three of us) was getting very cozy with one of them. I was keeping my drinks fewer and further between than usual because it was our third night out and I had to drive 7 hours home the next day. I was feeling laid back, but nowhere near drunk.
The guys decided to head back to their hotel (some of the group obviously needed to go to bed) and encouraged the three of us to stop by later, whenever we felt like it. That sounded ok, but we decided to stay at the pub until closing time, and then go see them after that.
Shortly after I started chatting with this very attractive guy who had just come from Quebec that very day. His English was good enough that we could have a descent conversation, although he had to ask me to slow down and repeat myself several times. We will call him A for the purposes of this story. He was probably about 5'8, rather thin, with dark curly hair. He had a wonderful smile. It was strange to feel that 'newness' that occurs when you meet someone new and you feel attracted to.
He was at the pub with two friends, one of them was obviously loaded and the other was annoyed because he was tired and wanted to go home, but they couldn't get the loaded guy to get in a cab. Finally sober annoyed friend just left, and then I called a cab for overly loaded guy and we sent him home. The bar was closing, so V. and I ducked inside to use the restroom and discuss what the plan was for the rest of the night. I was feeling conflicted. One one hand fooling around outside of my marriage goes against so many of my morals. On the other hand I was attracted to this guy and I knew that MJ would be thrilled with me. V. encouraged me to go for it, she said that while she and M. went to the hotel to see the guys from earlier, I could take A. back to M's house and see what happened.
M's house was a few blocks away, so I decided that it would be ok to go there, and if I chickened out I would just call him a cab and send him on his way. M. slipped me the keys, said see ya later, and she and V. took off. A. was highly confused by all of this and I tried to explain that my friends went to see other friends of theirs and blah blah blah. The language thing was kind of a challenge, nevermind the fact that he was nearly impossible to read (something I am usually very good at).
We walked to M's and went inside. We sat on the couch and talked for a while, I asked him questions about Quebec and why he decided to come out to Saskatchewan of all places. I found out that he was only 19! I felt kind of weird about that, even though I am only 23 I feel like I am in my 40's most days. I can't relate to most people my age because they are still living the wild, carefree days while I have a husband, two kids, and a brand new house.
We were talking and then he leaned in to kiss me, and I pulled away at the last second. I felt strange. Part of me was excited, because it was new and fun and he was good looking and interested me. The way my self-esteem has been lately it was rather thrilling to have attention from a man other than MJ. Another part of me was resistant because, well, I just don't do things like that.
When he leaned in again, I kissed him. It was nice; strange, but nice. We kissed for a while, there was some petting that brought back memories of awkward high school moments, and I ended up performing oral sex on him. That was pretty much it. My friends returned from the hotel and I called a cab for A. and sent him on his way. I related an entire moment by moment replay to MJ and my friends. MJ of course was pleased beyond words. He said he probably masturbated six times that night, both while he was waiting for me to call (he knew that I was at my friends house with a strange guy) and after he spoke to me. I was glad that he was so pleased, and at the time, I felt fine about it. No massive guilt, no regret. In fact I was very turned on, not so much by A., but by how excited MJ was.
The next day during the 7 hour drive, I had plenty of time to examine my feelings deeper. While a part of me enjoyed the newness and the excitement of hooking up with someone new, there was something off.
It disturbed me that I felt attached to A. I felt sad that I would never see him again, and I was vaguely disappointed in the lack of intimacy that I felt during the act itself. It became clear to me that I was no longer able to separate my sexuality from my emotions. I also realized that I expected more from sexual acts. I wanted intimacy, and affection. I wanted it to be like it is with MJ. Of course that is totally impossible, since no one will ever be MJ.
Since I found it impossible to detach myself from the situation, I developed some feelings of infatuation for A. That is something that MJ never predicted, and we had a few moments of awkwardness while discussing it once I got home. Still MJ didn't seem that put off by it, although I was having a lot of trouble coming to terms with my feelings. He still maintains that it was fantastic, and would like for it to happen again as soon as possible.
While I appreciate his enthusiasm, and I try my best to maintain an open-mind when it comes to his sexual fantasies (as he has for me), I am not sure that I can ever detach myself from sexual intimacy like I used to be able to. Yes, I went through a phase when I had sex with stray men (not too many, few enough that I can count them without having to take my socks off). I was young and unsure of how to deal with my desires in a positive way. But that was before I met MJ, or got married, or had children.
Nowadays things are very different for me. I have different needs. It isn't just about fucking. I expect to feel emotionally fulfilled by sexual encounters, and the only person who can do that for me is MJ. When I am with MJ I know that I am loved and protected and cared for. You can't compare that to empty screwing around, devoid of emotion or intimacy. I just don't want to go there anymore.
Not to mention that I am such a freak about infidelity and swinging, no matter how consensual. It just feels...wrong to be with anyone else. I am glad that MJ has total faith in my love for him, and that I married such a wonderful and open-minded individual. I just don't think that anything positive [for me] can come from doing that, or anything more serious, ever again.
There, I got it off my chest. I feel better :) Please feel free to pelt me with rotten produce.