Thursday, May 11, 2006
Tantra Chair Review

After months of anticipation, I was very fortunate to receive a Tantra Chair of my very own last week.

I want to say a few words about my experience ordering the chair before we get into the good parts.

My first contact with Al Vitaro (the CEO of Zen By Design, and designer of the Tantra Chair) was after he left a comment on one of my former blogs regarding a post I had written about his product.

I e-mailed him a reply and thanked him for his comment, and from there we became good friends in the online sort of sense.

When it came time to order my chair he provided some of the best customer service I've ever encountered. Any questions or e-mails were answered promptly and completely, usually within 24 hours. The new Artemis Chair was developed while my chair was being built and he immediately offered me the choice to switch chair styles if I preferred.

I requested that I pay the shipping COD, and even though it was not what they normally do, he went out of his way to organize it all for me. He also let me know well in advance what the shipping charges would be.

While I was having the chair cleared through customs he kept in touch via e-mail in case I needed any help with anything, and since receiving my chair he has contacted me a few times to see how I am enjoying it.

Truly, I could not have asked for a better experience in dealing with the company.

The chair arrived last week and MJ and I decided that the best place for it would be our bedroom. After all, I picked the wood color and fabric so that it would match the decor of our bedroom.

The chair itself is as gorgeous as it is functional. The gentle arcs remind me of the curves of a woman's body, and it truly begs to be sat upon, or touched, or utilized for pleasure. The silk brocade fabric is soft and slippery, adding to the wonderful tactile experience of sitting on the chair.

It is actually very comfortable just as a chair. I like to sit on it now when I am talking on the phone. My kids love climbing all over it and MJ and I joke that we might have to order the Artemis chair (essentially a slightly smaller version) for them to play on.

I know a little bit about woodwork and general construction of furniture so I can vouch for how well made this chair is. I have no doubt that it will last my lifetime and beyond, although the cushion may have to be replaced at some point. The chair is very solid, and I am totally impressed with the craftsmanship.

Ours is the maple wood and the black silk brocade. It is really the most beautiful piece I have ever owned.

I am sure what you really want to know is what it's like for sex.

Well, let me tell you, this chair is the most fantastic thing to happen to sex since...well pretty much since sex was invented.

We started off with MJ sitting in the crook of the chair, with his back against the larger arc. I straddled his waist, my feet resting comfortably on the floor. In that position there is no strain on the ankles or knees like you might find with being on top on a bed. You are sitting at the same height as you would in a regular chair, you can bounce easily without any strain on your joints. That position was really lovely.

Next we tried reverse cowgirl, MJ staying in the same spot and me turning around and straddling him again. It was nice to be able to lean forward and support myself on the smaller arc. It sort of turned into a hybrid position of reverse cowgirl and doggie style. I was able to either bounce up and down, or rock forwards and back for two totally different sensations.

After a little of that, MJ turned around so that he way laying back on the small arc, and I was facing away from him with my chest against the big arc, straddling his crotch in another variation of reverse cowgirl. WOW! That felt incredible :) It was very comfortable and I was able to wrap my arms somewhat around the larger arc for extra leverage.

We decided to try some positions where MJ was standing. First I lied on my back on the big arc and wrapped my legs around Jacks waist as he stood in front of me. It felt a little awkward at first, since I was afraid of sliding backwards off the chair and onto my head, LOL. MJ held onto my hands and started thrusting and oh my gawd! I think the fact that I was hanging onto him sort of added to the intimacy with the trust that he would not let me fall. He liked it a lot as well of course ;).

Next I bent over the large arc and he took me from behind. I crossed my ankles and lifted my feet off the floor so that they were sort of against MJ's butt while he fucked me. It was actually really fantastic! We finished off in that position and then laid back in awe.

I mean really, it doesn't get much better than that!

As for cleaning, since I imagine the more practical people would be curious about how easy the silk is to clean, it was simple. When we were finished I took a soft cloth and wet it, then gently dampened the areas where bodily fluid was left. Then I took a small drop of liquid laundry detergent and wiped the areas with it, not rubbing it in, just giving a quick surface wipe. Then I used a clean damp cloth to wipe it down again, and let it dry. It was easy to clean and didn't leave any spots or marks behind. I would be hesitant to get any lubricant on the chair, as I don't know if it would stain. But normal bodily fluids should not be an issue.

I just adore my Tantra Chair. Just looking at it makes me smile. I know that we will enjoy it over and over for many years to come.

I will recommend this chair to everyone I know, particularly people who practice Tantric Sex, as it makes prolonged lovemaking more comfortable. It is a significant investment, but one that I personally feel is worth while.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Interview With Al Vitaro

Al was kind enough to answer some questions for me about the Tantra Chair, which I thought would be if interest to my readers.

The Tantra Chair is designed to enhance a very wide variety of sexual positions. How exactly did the entire Tantra Chair concept occur to you?

The concept for the Tantra Chair occurred to me because I wanted to create an art form that would encourage the sacred positions of the Kama Sutra. Sexuality and sexual experiences are an amazing and beautiful part of our human existence and I wanted to create a furniture design that would honor and enhance this perspective. I wanted to bring the attention away from the superficial sexual experience back into the sacred, more spiritually intimate experience. Tantric Sex is a vehicle for awakening the spirit. It is an honorable, loving and liberating path that everyone should experience in their lifetime.

The Tantra Chair is such a unique piece of furniture. What was your inspiration for the design?

The inspiration for the actual physical design was very simple. I am a stone sculptor and one of my favorite subjects has been the female body. My experience with this translated directly into the Tantra Chair. I created the Tantra Chair inspired by the beauty and elegance of the female form.

Without revealing an company secrets, can you tell me a bit about the process of crafting one of these chairs?


The process for creating these chairs is very interesting and I happy to share with you. The Tantra Chair is actually hand crafted out of very thick wood which is a very time consuming process. Although we make many Tantra Chairs at one time, it takes us approximately two weeks from start to finish. This is a very expensive way to create this piece but I do not want to sacrifice the quality in any possible way. To this day, we have yet to have an unsatisfied customer and we continually sell these pieces all over the world.

Some people are skeptical about how easy the silk brocade upholstery is to keep clean. Any thoughts or advice on that?

This is very understandable. The reason we use the silk brocade is because it cleans very easily and shows absolutely no wear and tear over the years. Normal bodily fluids should not be a problem. If by chance a seat cushion is ruined, we have replacement cushions readily available at a minimal cost. Although, we are working on a washable cover to use during intimacy to protect some of the velvet and chenille fabrics that we have recently brought into the line.

Do you really have to know anything about Tantric Sex to enjoy these chairs?

This is a difficult question to answer accurately but I would have to say no. The design of this chair actually puts your body in unique positions in a comfortable manner. The Tantra Chair naturally changes pelvic angles during intercourse which greatly enhances the physical pleasure for both men and women. If you do practice Tantric Sex, I think you will appreciate this design even more.

Just out of curiosity, do you practice Tantric Sex yourself?

Of course. There is no other way for my wife and I.

Are there any plans to produce a book or manual of positions to go with the chair, or will you just leave it up to the creativity of your customers?

We have created the DVD to help give people ideas but honestly, we do not touch on a fraction of the possibilities. Our customers write in frequently telling us of new positions they have just discovered...some of them I never even imagined. It is really interesting...the possibilities seem endless. Women especially enjoy the comfort of the Tantra Chair as they are propelled into a position of control. The unique width of the chair allows the woman to control the depth and angle of penetration in most cases. This creates so many possible positions that it is difficult to illustrate all of them.

You just developed the Artemis Chair. How is this chair different than the Tantra Chair?

The Artemis is machine crafted which helped us to lower the retail cost on this particular piece. It is very similar to the Tantra Chair but the Artemis is 5 ft long instead of 6 ft long. The Artemis has very similar arcs and angles and can be used in much the same way as the Tantra Chair. We use the finest Baltic birch wood to create the Artemis which also helps us to keep the cost down. The main difference between the two chairs is the length and the cost. The quality is very comparable.

Are there any new furniture pieces in development? If so, can you tell me anything about it?

I always have new designs in the works and you can see most of them at

How can I get hired as a product tester, LOL?

Just ask us :)

For my own personal curiosity, what are your feelings on polyamory and plural marriage?

Honestly, my thoughts on polyamory and plural marriage are actually thoughts of great appreciation. I feel that if two people are evolved enough to look at the bigger picture of life, polyamory can make a great deal of sense. I can deeply connect to the understanding of plural marriage. Being a Buddhist, we are very open to everything and come from a place of non judgment. I see everything as an expression of eternity and whatever it is, it is

Thursday, March 16, 2006
I'm Not One To Stay In The Closet

Fuck It, I don't care what anybody thinks. I'm gonna let ya'll in on what's been happening with MJ and I.

After what happened with B in November MJ and I got to talking. We thought and talked and talked some more.

And then we decided to try having an open marriage.

And actually, we still are, except it's sort of evolved into a polyamorous relationship since I have become semi-seriously involved with another man. I'm in love with MJ as much as ever, I am just also in love with K.

And I've been keeping a blog all about it for months now.

I might as well refer you there to get the whole story. I have the blog set up so that every post shows up on the one page. Just scroll down to the bottom and start there, no need to sift through archives and all that.

I know that some of you will be surprised, and some of you will likely not understand. But it works for us, and that's all that matters. This blog has suffered because MJ and I have pretty much put the whole D/s thing aside completely while this other side of our lives has been developing.

Anyway, go see for yourself: Stiletto Diaries

Feel free to comment about it here or there, if you wish to share your thoughts on this.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Maybe I Should Write To PostSecret...

Wow, three weeks, has it been that long?

This poor little blog. Once so exciting, now just collecting cobwebs in it's dusty corner of the internet.

I haven't felt much like blogging here. Nothing especially kinky has happened in my house in quite some time.

The truth is I have been keeping a really huge secret from everyone here, and I am still not sure if I am ready to share it. It is partially to blame for the lack of blogging, because I feel like a liar for not telling the truth about it and writing here as if it isn't happening.

I don't know that I can share it with you all yet, I just wanted to know that I am still around, and that we are all healthy and happy and nothing horrible has happened.

Thank you for continuing to check this blog and my sincere apologies at neglecting my readers and myself really. Don't give up on my blog, it isn't dead yet, just hibernating for a while.

Hugs and Kisses to All!

Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Happy Valentine's Day


I wish each and every one of my readers a fantastic day, and remember that I love all of you!!!

Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Q. and A. Part Four

Tell us about your most powerful orgasm.

Your first orgasm, how that happened.

The first time you masturbated to orgasm.


I would have to say that my most powerful orgasm (thus far) occurred the first time that MJ succeeded in fisting me. There are just no adequate words to describe how it felt.

For your next question, I will assume you meant the first orgasm I had with another person, seeing as your next question is about my first solo orgasm. Anyway, my first orgasm with another person was with my first long-term boyfriend, while he was performing oral sex on me. By that time I had already been masturbating for the better part of five years, so it really wasn't a big shocking thing for me, LOL.

The first time I masturbated to orgasm I was probably 11 or 12. I don't remember exactly how I managed it, but afterwards I remember thinking "wow, what the hell was that?" and then "I wanna do that again!!"

And just so everyone knows, I am totally enjoying this whole answering questions thing!!! Hope you are too ;)

Q. and A. Part Three

How much experimenting did you do before you found that "one thing" that makes your teeth sweat?

Wow, hard to say. The first challenge for me is to think of the "one thing". See, so very many things 'make my teeth sweat' as it were, that narrowing it down to just one is rather difficult.

Things such as the sound of a belt being pulled out of the loops of his pants. Or when he grabs me in the kitchen and whispers in my ear all the wonderfully dirty things he wants to do to me.

Being young as I am, I guess it didn't take me too long, and as time passes and MJ and I continue to explore, there will undoubtedly be a lot more things added to the list that really get my motor running.

Friday, February 03, 2006
Q. and A. Part Two

I have a question. I'm a regular reader, and know you have come into your 'kink' fairly young in life. In my experience, most like-minded people will develop it over time. I wonder if there are events, or elements from your earlier life, be they sexual or not, which you now look back upon and think were significant in terms of the appeal of submissiveness

Wow, that's one to make me think :) I reflected upon this quite a lot when I was first learning about BDSM, power exchange, etc. I have to admit, my desire for submission came as quite a surprise to myself, since I have always had such a dominant personality in my vanilla life.

I also think that the singular reason I have come to this place in life (so far as my kink goes) is because of the internet. I didn't really realize that I was submissive until I started chatting at BDSM sites/etc. I was able to read so much information, and put a name to my desires.

When I think back on it, submission just felt so natural to me that I never gave it a second thought. I just embraced it and learner as much as I could about the lifestyle and looked for like-minded people to talk to.

I don't know that there were any significant events that stand out in my earlier life. I started learning about BDSM so early (16) that perhaps that in itself was a significant event.

Thank you very much for this question :) I love questions that make me think!

Thursday, February 02, 2006
Q. and A. Part One

Do you find that there are certain months of the year that your sex life simply drops to near nothing as does your interest in sex? Corrolary, what season is the hottest/coldest for you sexually speaking?

Hmmmm... I don't know if there are certain months necissarily. My sex drive has been pretty consistent lately. I suppose it really has more to do with how I'm feeling personally (when I am depressed my sex drive becomes non-existant).

I pretty much like having sex all year round!

Thanks for your question :)

Sunday, January 29, 2006
I'm NOT On Hiatus, I Swear!

Oh my GAWD has it ever gotten boring around here.

Pathetic is an even better word for it.

I am making this public apology to myself and to this sad little blog and to all the people that click here every day and see...nothing new!


I've just been feeling... BLAH, about the whole blogging thing.

JeN, I promise you that my review of the Colin Farrell Sex Tape is going to get posted, sooner rather than later.

But other than that glimmering light at the end of this stagnant tunnel... I got nuthin.

So I am begging you, all of you who read this blog. For the love of God and interesting things to read, leave a comment and ask me a question. It can be ANY question on earth, silly, stupid, pointless, thoughtful, I don't care I'll take anything.

And in the coming days I will give you all the answers, and hopefully we can all be entertained.

I can't believe it has come to this, LOL. Take pity on me and leave a question.

Saturday, January 21, 2006
Happy Anniversary!!!

Just the other day MJ and I celebrated the 4th anniversary of our entrance into wedded bliss.

4 years

1,461 days

35,064 hours

2,103,840 minutes


126,230,400 seconds

Thus far being with MJ has far and wide exceeded all expectations I had of marriage. I never thought it would be this good. I wouldn't say I have been waiting for it to go downhill, but statistics on divorce and separation in this country are not really very encouraging. Not to mention the kinds of marriages I have been exposed to through most of my life.

As far as I can tell it just keeps getting better...

MJ, thank you for being my husband, and for choosing me to be your wife. You make me happier than I ever thought possible, and I am looking forward to spending the rest of my life with you. I only hope that I have made you as fulfilled and complete as you have made me. I love you.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Sometimes it still gets me. The restless inability to get to sleep. Insomnia. I used to suffer from it so bad I had to go on sleeping pills. Eventually it went away on its own.

Once in a while it comes back to visit me, and I am left tossing and turning into the wee hours of the morning. My brain tries hard to occupy itself which usually serves to keep sleep away longer. I stare at the clock and think about all manner of bizarre things.

Last night desperation set in and I even tried masturbating to tire myself out. I got a mediocre orgasm out of it and I still couldn't sleep. 2:00am stretched into 4:00am and when I last looked at the clock it was nearly 5:00 in the morning.

Of course by the time I got to sleep it is nearly time to get up for the day. My kids aren't late sleepers and they don't take no for an answer when they come to get me out of bed. No naps for me.

So now I am drinking coffee and gearing up for one of those days.

I know this post is totally pointless, LOL, but at this point I don't care at all.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Rummaging Through The Archives

I wasn't tagged by anyone, but I found this entertaining, and so decided to just do it because I wanted to.

1. Go to your blog archive
2. Find the 23rd post
3. Find the 5th sentence
4. Post the text of the sentence in a blog entry along with these instructions
5. Tag five other people

From my 23rd post, 5th sentence:

He used the little strap on me, the floggers, and finally one of my favorite implements, the steel-core paddle.


Not going to tag anyone, since I got called a bitch last time and told that no matter what one of my tagees was not going to do the thing! (LOL, I love you guys anyway). It's kind of a cool exercise though, so if you feel the need, please do it on your blog and let me know!

Wednesday, January 11, 2006
My Very Favorite Quote From A Book...

From SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman (there's a link to said book in my right sidebar)

... "Lets say you take your girlfriend into the woods, bind her hands behind her back, tear open her blouse, and force her onto her knees to suck your cock while you have one hand jammed into her hair and another holding a doubled-over, heavy belt."...

Anyone wanna got for a walk in the woods with me?

Let The Orgy Of Weirdness Begin...

I have been tagged by Gabby to do one of those wretched list things (LOL, just kidding, and much love to you for the tag. I always feel left out if no one tags me :P)

"Here are the rules: The first player of this game starts with the topic and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals. Don't forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says 'You are tagged!' (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours. The following may not be weird to you but they are to somebody."

Weird... well, if you must know, here are the top five things about myself that others might consider 'weird':

1. I always smell my milk before I drink it. I mean compulsively. In a restaurant, at other peoples houses, everywhere. It doesn't matter if I just sniffed it 5 minutes ago and then put it back in the fridge, I will smell it again just to make sure that it didn't suddenly go rotten in that short period of time.

2. Strange things make me feel sick to my stomach. One time I was doing something in the kitchen and I noticed a wet piece of lint (like from the dryer) in the drain trap. I looked at it and got that queasy feeling, and yup you guessed it, threw up three times right there. I was pregnant at the time, so I was probably overly sensitive to the sick feeling, but come on, it was a piece of lint! I also get a kinda sick feeling when I see someone spit, or think of spit in general. If I really put a lot of thought into what exactly was happening in my mouth while swapping spit with MJ, I would probably vomit on the spot.

3. I usually brush my teeth while I am in the shower.

4. I think that potatoes are possibly the most revolting food on earth. I only eat them as french fries, chips, or as filling for perogies. Once I ate them mashed when I was drunk and hungry. I only cook them for MJ on special occasions.

5. I think that porn is horrible and degrading, but I still enjoy watching it with MJ.

So there you go. See, I'm not weird...

For this lovely meme, I tag the following victims:

Amber, Swan, Padme & Anakin, and Jen

Saturday, January 07, 2006
A Different Kind Of Tummy Ache

Ever cum so hard that your stomach hurt afterwards?

That was me about 15 minutes ago, my tummy still aches.

*Wanders off grinning like a complete fool*


Thursday, January 05, 2006
Just An Update

In case anyone was starting to wonder, all is well in the House of MJ and Temptation. We have just been busy, and I had company most of the week so was too busy visiting to blog.

We had a nice quiet New Years and have mostly just been taking it easy around here. Not too much excitement happening, although I really enjoyed my visit with my friend. She and I went to high school together and we haven't seen each other in ages, although we talk on the phone practically every day. My kids LOVE her to death, and now she is planning to move even closer to us to be with her boyfriend, so hopefully I will see more of her this year.

Other than that things have been uneventful. Christmas was good although by the end I was glad to be home (we were away most of the holidays visiting family). The kids got spoiled rotten and I am still trying to find places to put their gazillion new toys.

MJ spoiled me too, he got me a new blender *makes guttural throat noise to express how powerful said blender is* and some other nice gifts. I love getting new appliances!

I got him a little T.V. for his den so that he can escape from watching the dreaded Wiggles, LOL!

Anyway, I will hopefully get back into the full swing of blogging in the next few days. I have a few posts wondering around in my brain so I will try to find some time to get a couple of them on here. Until then I hope everyone is happy and healthy and has a great weekend!

Saturday, December 31, 2005
Sugar N Spice And Everything Nice (Or Naughty)

A friend of mine recently started up a website that sells adult sex toys and other fun novelties. They have some great products, and I am always enthusiastic to support local businesses (especially if it is run by a very cool friend of mine, LOL).

So, head over to Sugar N Spice and take a look. Buy something nice for your lover! Valentine's Day is coming you know.

Friday, December 30, 2005
Bloggasm #14

Brought to you by Sugarbank

Sorry it's late everyone, I was away for Christmas!

Bloggasm #14

The best of the blogs by the bloggers who blog them. This week starting with the letter 'T'.

Things That Make Me Go MMMmmm... (

The Personal Touch... (

Unrecovered memories (

What do you taste like? (

An Ass Licking (

Airport (

Caveat Anal (

Condom statue angers Catholics (

Dumped by a Client (

Forgiveness (

Fun to be Bound, Bound to be Fun - 'Seduction' (

I'm proud... (

In need (

In the Beginning (

London Calling (

Moonlight and Fucking (

Not Picky About Porn (

Podnography #17 - Coed strippers, Wikipedia and Katie's big O (

Reach Out and Touch Someone (

Should I? (

Smooth as a... (

StoryTime: coming to work (

Lovingly policed by Sabrina Morgan

Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Things That Make Me Go MMMmmm...

I returned to bed, having just assured our oldest child that in fact there were no monsters in our house. It was the wee hours and I assumed that my darling husband was still fast asleep. Little did I know that he was just waiting silently in the darkness for his unsuspecting prey to return...

I slid between the covers and before I even had time to settle in his arms were around me and his mouth was gently sucking one of my nipples. I arched into him, whimpering softly, his unexpected attentions being a very wonderful surprise in the middle of the night. Spontaneity is nearly always quite the aphrodisiac for me, and last night was no exception.

He licked and kissed and sucked my nipples while I writhed and moaned in his arms. He ran one hand over my skin, reaching between my legs and rubbing my pussy, which was already quite wet with anticipation. I groaned and humped his hand, wordlessly begging him for more.

He nudged my legs apart so that he could have better access to me. I offered up no resistance, and soon he was working his fingers into my eager cunt. He whispered in my ear that I was his dirty whore, he asked me if I was a filthy slut and all I could do was whimper yes. He had me rub my clit while he fingered me, my other hand stroking his hard cock

He told me to cum for him, and I did, bucking my hips, my entire body spasming. The waves of pleasure were intense, and lasted longer than average for me. My pussy clenched his fingers as I twisted and groaned. He tried to coax a second orgasm out of me, but I didn't think that I could manage it.

I was still feeling horny, although in a less urgent way. I wanted his cock in me, I love how it feel pushing into my pussy. We kissed, and I slid one leg over him and wriggled up until I was laying on top of him, straddling his waist. Slowly, I lower myself onto him, inch by inch. He groaned and thrust his hips up, but I wanted to make him wait. When I had taken his entire cock I started rocking back and forth, his dick sliding in and out of me. I clenched my muscles around him and was met with an approving moan.

He grabbed my hips and urged me to go faster, and harder. It felt incredible, his cock was going into me so deep, I was actually surprised that it didn't hurt, but for whatever reason it just felt amazing.

MJ was thrusting his hips up to meet me, his grunts becoming louder, I could tell that he was getting close. I rocked my hips harder, I was panting like I had run a marathon. Finally he came and I collapsed onto the bed beside him.

Once we had both caught our breath and settled back down, we cuddled up together and fell asleep. This morning I had to really think to decide if it actually happened, or if it was just a very hot dream.

Pink Panties

Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Happy Holidays!

Just because I can, I decided to make myself a little wish list at Amazon. If you like, you can take a look at it by clicking on the gift box in my left sidebar.

I honestly do not expect anyone to buy me anything from it, LOL. But if by chance someone does, all I can offer you in return is my undying love and pictures of me wearing/using said gift.

Or, if you're into that sort of thing, I might be persuaded to send you a pair of my dirty underwear, LOL ;)

Anyway, I will [probably] be on hiatus from now until the first week in January. So, I wish all of my lovely readers very Happy Holidays. I hope that Santa brings you everything that you want :)


Saturday, December 17, 2005
Another Shameless Stab At Traffic Whoring

Hey, at least I'm honest about it ;)

Bloggasm #13

The best of the sex(y) blogs, by the bloggers who write them:

A Pregnant Pause (

Bend Over Boyfriend (

Can You Imagine (

Do my Wife (

Foam and Lather (

Full-On Naked Recovery (

Get Your BadAss Gear at JT's Stockroom (

Idiots with Phones (

In the Dungeon... [Pt. 1] (

Just say yes (

KitKast 1.10 (

Law to require bathroom for transvestites (

Nice big human clinical thermometer (

Party (

Podnography #16 - A Video Sex Podcast (

Psycho Santa (

Remote Control (

Santa's Naughty List Continued...(

StoryTime: The Layover (

The Last I'll Say about the Saugreen Stripper (

The Perfect Gift (

The Shower (

The Violence of Love - The Pleasure of Pain (

The Violence of Words (

I feel ugly right now.

No explanation really, I just do.

When I look in the mirror I don't see myself, I see a body that is strange to me, unfamiliar, alien.

I remember a time when I was happy with how I looked, but it seems so long ago, and I am not sure that I can ever get there again.

I'm too young for this shit

Fuck it, I'm going to bed to cry myself to sleep.

I am sure I will read this in the morning and wonder what the hell I was thinking.

Friday, December 16, 2005
Featured Smut Archives

Note: If you wish to comment on a certain story, please do so in the comment box for this post. You may want to mention the name of the story in your comment so that we all know what you are talking about :)

MJ's Pick Leash Journey by CherryCummins

Temp's Pick The Ice Queen by The_Darkness

Thursday, December 15, 2005
Featured Smut

I am going to be adding a section [at the top of my right-hand sidebar] called Featured Smut. As often as possible I will be posting a link to a free erotic story from Literotica.

Literotica is one of our favorite sites for free erotica, and we are planning to pick and feature our favorite stories (I will be sure to indicate who picked the featured story, so that you know who to praise/blame, LOL).

I will also be archiving all of the linked stories onto one page so that you can browse past stories.

I hope that you will enjoy this new feature :)

This weeks Featured Smut:

Leash Journey by CherryCummins MJ's Pick

Friday, December 09, 2005
In The Dungeon... [Pt. 1]

The flickering candlelight danced across the wall creating eerie shadows upon the grey paint. The room was cool, but perhaps her goosebumps were not caused by the temperature. She was naked of course, save for the heavy collar around her delicate neck and the leather cuffs locked on her wrists and ankles. She fidgeted, wondering what was keeping him.

Footsteps in the other room.

He was coming for her.


She shuddered; was it terror, or anticipation?

He came into the room and regarded her with a rather sinister grin. Her heart leapt into her throat and she looked at the floor, the wall, anywhere but at him. Not wasting any time, he stepped over beside her, and with one hand on the small of her back, pushed her against the wall. Her chest pressed onto the cold cement and she gasped softly, but did not dare protest. He didn't speak a word while he clipped her wrist cuffs to the rings that were bolted to the wall above her head. He bent down and fastened the ankle cuffs as well, leaving her spread eagle and completely helpless. Her breath came in rapid gasps as her anxiety grew; she heard him moving around behind her, and then a soft cloth came down over her eyes. She whimpered, her world plunged into darkness as he adjusted the blindfold. She began to wonder what she had gotten herself into when she felt something smooth and round press against her lips.

"Open" he commanded sternly. Meekly she did as she was told, accepting the gag between her teeth. She felt him tighten the strap and buckle it at the back of her head. Her ability to swallow was hindered and she felt humiliated when she began to drool around the gag. He pressed something into her hand, it felt like a garage door opener.

"Press the button if you begin to panic or need something immediately. Do not use it unless it is an emergency or your will be a very sorry girl. Go ahead and try it once so that you know how to use it" he instructed. Her thumb found the button and she pressed it, the little box emitted a high-pitch screech.

Reaching around from behind her, he cupped her breasts, his fingers finding her nipples and pinching them hard. She squirmed, and he released them, running his hands down the sides of her body to her hips. She felt him move away from her and she whimpered softly in protest.

She waited for what seemed like hours, although it must have really only been a couple of minutes. The silence was so thick she could taste it and her heart was pounding so hard she feared it might burst.

In the silence she heard a sound that made a shiver run up her spine. That familiar swishing of something being swung in the air. It stopped as quickly as it had started, and then without warning she felt the leather tails on her back and she sucked in a deep breath through her nose. They slid slowly over her skin, a promise of things to come.

The swishing began again, but this time it was punctuated by rhythmic strikes upon her body. She wriggled and cried out as the lashes fell again and again, leaving reddening streaks across her flesh. The tails fell progressively harder, leaving trails of fire in their wake. The pain was intense and several times her thumb went to the button on the little box that would mean an end to it all. She could feel the drool dripping down her chin and her breathing became more labored.

She didn't press the button. She wanted to accept the pain, she wanted to show him that she could take it. She screamed around the gag, she writhed and bucked against the wall, trying to avoid those vicious tails. Still they rained down on her, again and again. She began to feel removed from the pain. She could tell that it was still occurring, but it seemed far away. Her brain was swimming in endorphins and she felt like she was outside of her body.

There was a pause in the onslaught, and she started to come back to herself. She hear a loud crack, and then felt searing pain again. It was like a delayed reaction. She whined, and there was another crack, and another, and another. The strap left angry crimson welts on her backside, she could feel her skin burning like never before. She fought her restraints, she wept, but it was for not.

She knew he was pushing her. She became enraged with him. She couldn't understand why he was doing this, was he trying to break her? Trying to make her admit defeat? She was choking on her anger and the pain that exploded through her with every strike. She thought that she might pass out, and she struggled against the urge to push that damned button.

She was in agony, like nothing she had ever experienced before. She wished for death or unconsciousness.

To Be Continued...

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Monday, December 05, 2005
Oh Christmas Tree

Last night I set up our Christmas tree (finally).

MJ brought it up from the basement in it's plastic storage container. He worked in his office while I unpacked the branches and fluffed them up, sorting them into piles and getting organized for tree-building.

While I assembled the trunk of the tree and started arranging the branches I thought of the stories this tree could tell if it could talk. It is a very old artificial tree; the only Christmas tree that MJ ever knew while he lived at home. When he moved out on his own, the tree went with him, and now it is gracing the living room of our brand new house. It is still in good shape for it's age, although MJ and I agree that it must have shrunk some as it got older. It's supposed to be 7 feet tall but it looks smaller for some reason.

It has seen the first Christmas' of MJ and his brothers, and now of our children. MJ and I set it up together for our first Christmas as husband and wife. It is a beautiful tree, and it means the world to MJ, and to myself as well.

After I had gotten all the branches on and re-arranged them 500 times, until they were all perfect, I covered it in strings of lights. MJ and I both like a tree with lots of lights. I turned off all of the other lights in the house and lured MJ out of his den to check out the tree. It looked magnificent of course, it almost seems a shame to cover it with other decorations. Truly it would be perfectly beautiful with nothing but lights on it.

We admired our tree, discussing plans for the rest of the decorations (we need to get some new garland before we can put anything else on the tree). He held me against him and we kissed, softly at first, and then harder, more passionately. He lifted the front of my t-shirt and pinched my nipples, making me feel weak in the knees. Eventually he pulled my shirt over my head (my pants had already come off sometime earlier) and I was naked, pressed tight against him, enjoying his hands on my body.

I pulled his shirt over his head as well, and nuzzled his chest, pressing my cheek against his skin and listening to his heart beating. He coaxed me onto the floor and laid me down on my back. I basked in the glow from the tree lights. We kissed again before he broke away to pay attention to other areas of my body with his mouth.

We made love in front of our beautiful Christmas tree. I enjoyed one of those rare moments when it feels like there is nothing else but him and I. Only the two of us, swimming in boundless pleasure. Incredible just isn't a good enough word to describe it. It was raw and hard, yet so gentle and slow, all at once.

Later on, once MJ had gone back to his office to finish his work, I stretched out on my side and looked up at our tree. I was overwhelmed with emotions and I wept for a while, unable to stop myself and not really wanting to anyway. I don't know why I cried, so I can't even try to explain it here. I just...did.

Eventually I headed up to bed, MJ following soon after, and we curled up together and slept. The holiday season is definitely getting off to a proper start.

Thursday, December 01, 2005
My Christmas Card To All Of You


Holiday Greetings and Best Wishes for Happiness Now and Always.

All My Love,

Tuesday, November 29, 2005
More Fluff In The Buff

Since I don't have time to write anything substantial, here is something fun for you to read while you wait...

Sexy Name Decoder: Borrowed From JeN

Friday, November 25, 2005
Since MJ Won't Let Me Get A REAL Puppy...

adopt your own virtual pet!

I had to adopt a virtual one.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005
The Toy Whore Rides Again

I picked up a couple of fun things at The Taboo Sex Show. This collar was one of them, the other will remain a secret until after I show it off to MJ (I am saving it for a special occasion).

New Collar

New Collar

Pretty nice, huh? I love it. Here's another picture of it. I bought it at a booth run by Priape, which is a store I have been meaning to visit for ages, but haven't been around to yet.

I almost bought this collar instead, but V insisted that she liked the one I got better. This one was also rather tempting. These offer some enticing possibilities.

I think that MJ would look smashing in a pair of these, and I almost bought him some. Speaking of which, while I was browsing the booth and admiring all of the stunning leather products, I started to wonder what is considered proper attire for Doms at kink events? It's pretty obvious for subs, a collar and hardly anything else. But what do the Doms wear? Just regular street clothes? Some events are fetish wear only, so what does that mean? I have never been to a BDSM event so I haven't the slightest, someone please enlighten me.

The Sex Show was a lot of fun, I went with one of my best friends, V. It is an annual ritual for us, this was our third trip to the show. There were some new exhibitors this year, and a group from Calgary put up a display called The Dungeon {for the second year in a row}. Basically they were there to answer questions, show off some very nice equipment, and make people more aware of the kink community in our city. The Sex Show is focused on the main stream, so it is a good opportunity to corrupt some vanillas (LOL). Shae, owner of the Calgary Legacy House Organization designed The Dungeon and he did a fantastic job. Calgary Legacy House promoted their new monthly Play Party Event known as Dark Shadows Fantasy Night as something that everyone can enjoy. I had the great pleasure to fianlly meet Shae in person, and found him to be even more charming in 'real life' than he has been during our e-mail conversations. The Dungeon this year was even better than the last, and I look forward with great anticipation to see what they come up with next year.

The only sad part is that I wish MJ could have attended with me. I hope that next year we might be able to go together, even though it has become something of a "Girl's Weekend" for V and I. It would be fun to browse the displays and buy some things together.

I'll post some pictures of my other purchase as soon as I get some!

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F Is For Fisting

Ah yes, another post about fisting...

Last night MJ finally succeeded in fisting me. It's amazing what a little lubricant will do.

We had never used lubricant before [for fisting], simply due to the fact that I produce plenty of my own. But we figured this time we would try it, just to see. Once he had his hand sufficiently covered in it, he started working his fingers into my pussy, using more lube as needed. Finally he got all of his fingers and his thumb in line and pushed. I could feel his hand sliding in much easier than before, but I didn't realize that he was all the way in until he told me.

I felt so filled, it was mind blowing.

Well that sent me right over the edge and I had an incredible orgasm. He pulled his hand out when I told him I was ready, and I just layed there in total shock. It was seriously like nothing I have ever felt before.

MJ couldn't believe it either. He found it sooooo hot. Of course then it was his turn for a little pleasure. We tried anal, but we had both forgotten that Astroglide irritates my rear end (for reasons unknown) and that had to be cut short. Instead he fucked my pussy from behind until he came all over my back and ass.

Of course we both slept very well.

In the tiny bit of research I have done, I found reference to a book about fisting called A Hand In The Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting. I think I will pick it up and give it a read, and probably post a review here afterwards. Just want to make sure that we don't do anything wrong that could cause damage or injury. If anyone has read this book feel free to comment on your opinion of it :)

MJ really wants to take some pictures of him fisting me, which will be hot no doubt. I was thinking about posting them here, but I'm not so sure, that's a pretty intense and personal act. We will see ;)

In all the confusion and upset over B, I totally forgot to post about my trip to The Taboo Sex Show. And I really must post some pictures of the fantastic new collar I bought there. Stay tuned, all that and more will be coming to this blog very shortly!

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Monday, November 21, 2005
What's Old Is New Again

In an effort to explore this topic a little further, I am going to reply to the wonderful comments from my last post, in this post. I hope that the commenters don't mind, but the comments were long and my replies will be too, so this just seems easier.

JeN said...
Thank you for being so honest.

"Don't all gasp in horror" See? You already assumed that someone would judge you right then and there. I didn't gasp in horror, I didn't even raise an eyebrow. I just continued reading to see what else you had to say.

I can't be the one to say whether you should or should not see this "B" again. That is up to you (and possibly MJ).

So much romantic junk has been placed on finding "the One". Personally, I don't believe that there is this One person out there for everybody. There are people you will not connect with, and there are people you will connect with, on varying levels. So you just happened to meet another person whose personality meshes with yours. It happens.

I don't think you should feel panicky or ashamed or anything like that.

Lots of hugs and warm smiles : )

Oh, and I like the snowflake b/g!

P.S. I got my first inch of snow today. November 17th is now unfavourable in my eyes...
: p

JeN, first of all thank you for commenting. I know that I always assume that people will think the worst of me, it seems to be a side-effect of my obsession with being likeable. I know that you aren't that judgmental. Truly, none of my regular commenters are. It just seems that writing something so *controversial* brings all the asshats out of the woodwork. I was expecting someone to say something ignorant, but it seems that I was wrong, no comments had to be moderated.

I go back and forth when it comes to believing in 'The One'. It is a very romantic notion, but what about people who find their 'One' and then they get a divorce, or he/she dies? Sometimes the person left behind finds another 'One'. Would they have felt the same way had they met their second love while still attached to their first? It does make a person ask a lot of questions.

And Boo Hiss for snow :( Yuck!

Thanks for the love and support JeN :)

Amber said...
You ask: "Given the opportunity, should I see this other person again?"

I say no.

"Should I chalk it up to some lapse of sanity and just get on with things?"

I say yes.

"Should I just go with it and see what happens?"

"Should I try to forget that it ever happened?"

Okay, fixed now? ;-P

Look, we all sometimes run into people we are attracted to. It happens. The thing is, as a monogamously married individual, do we act on it or not?

Maturity means making decisions because it's the Right Thing To Do and not because It Feels Good.

You say: "I would never put my marriage or my kids on the line, and neither would MJ."

But if you go ahead and indulge in these feelings, you *will* be putting your relationship with your family on the line. With allll the talking in the world together and alllll the possible encouragement from MJ; you're risking everything you've built together to this point.

And believe me, it's a big risk.

You know my story. You know that my ex and I tried this kind of thing when I was around your age. I was attracted to another man and I knew that NOTHING would ever affect my marriage with my husband at that time and my husband back then thought the whole idea was really hot. This young slutty wife of his balling some other guy. OooO! How HAWT!

However, I "fell in love" with that other guy. And I seriously considered leaving my husband for him.

Mostly because the sex with the other guy was new, it was exciting and I mistook my infatuation for "love".

You raise the stakes dramatically when you add sex to a relationship. Even if it's consensual; it's still playing with fire.

You two have small children. Your first duty is to them, to protect this stable, loving home you have created for them.

Could you two possibly do this thing and get away with it unscathed? Possibly. All things are possible. I'm not saying that you'd be forced to go down the path I did. Everyone has a different reaction to life experiences. You could very well find that you are repulsed by this new guy. Or maybe you'd start an open marriage and you guys could make it work.

Who knows?

But why risk it? Especially with little ones at home?

Once you step outside a fantasy and make it a reality, all kinds of aspects you had not previously considered can occur. And it can be horrendously damaging. Not only do I know this from personal experience, and people I know in person who grow to regret doing such thing, but look at all the online stories about how fast things can go bad.

And MJ, with all due respect, I know you love Temp and your family to pieces and I know you don't want to hurt them, but I think Temp needs to hear that her Husband and Master would blister her ass but good if she did this thing. That you own her and nobody else can touch her.

I think that's what Temp would like to hear from you.

I know that's what I secretly wanted to hear from my ex, although I didn't have the guts to tell him.

That's just my very nosy and un-humble curmudegeonly opinion. ;-P

You know, you guys can play with this idea. Lots of couples do. So make up stories, develop "punishments" for imagined transgressions and titillate each other with this idea if that makes things more hot and fun in the marital bedroom.

But you don't have to actually DO it to get that thrill.

Btw, kudos on talking about this together. That is wonderful. :-)

Hope I wasn't too forward. But then, you guys know how I am. ;-P

11:27 AM

Amber, you are my steady voice of reason :) I know you well enough now that I can usually predict your reaction to such things, and believe me, I appreciate your unapologetic opinion. In a world where everyone likes to talk in circles and blow smoke out their ass, I know that you don't mince words, at least with me, and that is [sadly] a rare thing.

As always, you raise some very good and important concerns. I am grateful that you have shared so many of your life experiences with me. I know that this experience has been risky for my family and my marriage. I am finding out quickly that things get rather complicated once you start to look at them objectively. It's all fun and games until something horrible happens.

Thank you for your comment. And don't worry about being forward with me/us, sometimes that is exactly what I/we need. I just wish you didn't make me think so much ;) LOL.

Ben said...
Firstly, I must commend your honesty and openness. Impressive.

Secondly, why would you think it amazing that you have the capacity to feel emotions for someone else? You loved before you met MJ, just because he makes you "happy" and you said a few words in front of a cleric or a judge doesn't change your human nature.

My brother-in-law and his wife have an open marriage. They didn't start out open. They started out "playing"--a lot like what you've described, even using the internet, though not blogs.

And eventually one of them met someone that they experienced emotions and feelings for. And then they both did. And within a few months they were openly swinging and experiencing it with many others.

They are pagan and don't consider it "wrong".

There are dangers and not just diseases. My brother has a child by another woman, who is currently living with them as their "concubine".

All this to say that you should choose the path that you wish to take and then hold one another to that path and don't "explore" unless you're willing to take other paths.

Now, my perspective:
"Love" is not an emotion. It is *an act of your will*. It is *committment*. It is an active *choice*.

"Lust" is that "tingling" and "in-love" feeling that you experience. It is an emotion. It comes and goes over time and you will feel it for many different people. But don't mistake it for "love".

Love is not self-serving, it is selfless.

Love does not seek pleasure and happiness has no bearing on it whatsoever. Being happy doesn't mean you are "in love". In fact "in love" just means you are "in lust" and "infatuated".

It's very easy to mistake lust for love, especially in the first 10 years or so of a relationship.

My advice? If you don't want to live the life of a cheater and you aren't able to respect yourself in living the polyamorous life, then *quit playing around with fire*.

Turn your back on it and *never look back*.

You mentioned Catholocism. There's a term for this action: "repentence". It means "to turn away from". Thus, if you "repent" of your sins, you "turn away from them". In Greek, it has a more subtle meaning that includes "fixing" or "repairing" a relationship. (Thus, if you "repent of your sins", then you "turn away from your sins--to do them no more--and repair your relationship with God.")

In your case, if you really don't want to be a "cheater" or polyamorous, then I suggest that you "repent" of your behavior and "repair your relationship" with MJ so that you never do it again--regardless of your desire, your "in love" feelings and the infatuations that you'll no doubt experience throughout your lifetime.

(Long winded, ain't I? ;) )

6:19 PM

Ben, thank you for commenting, and for your compliment regarding my honesty. It wasn't fun or easy to write it, but it was necessary, and I am learning a great deal about myself in this process.

I suppose that I should not have been surprised to find myself in 'lust' with someone other than MJ. I suppose I just wasn't expecting it, and it kind of threw me off.

You said that I/we should choose a path and hold each other to it, and not explore unless I/we were willing to take other paths. I believe that life is an ever-changing, dynamic and evolving experience. I don't know that we ever really 'choose' one path. There are plenty of unexpected twists and turns in this journey. I always said that I never wanted kids, but to my surprise, life presented me with two beautiful children and I took off on a new path. Not one that I necessarily 'chose' ahead of time, but one that I found myself on and am trying my best to navigate. We walk many paths in life, sometimes we travel them on purpose, sometimes by mistake, sometimes by accident. We can try our best to stick to one that suites us, but sometimes fate has other plans.

I also believe that love is an emotion, as well as an act of will. However, I think that love is a highly over-used word these days. People claim to 'love' everything from other people to potato salad. I believe that love in it's purest form is really more of a state of being.

I also know that lust/infatuation is FAR from love. My feelings for B do not expend past infatuation/lust. I have found myself attracted to other people in the past, but the intensity and suddenness of the feelings I felt for B were rather unnerving.

I absolutely will not live the life of a cheater, since my relationship with MJ is built on absolute honesty. I don't believe that this is as black and white as picking one side of the fence or the other [poly or monogomy]. Then again I have very little experience in such things and perhaps I am just in denial. I never did understand the whole bit about having cake and not eating it.

I was raised Catholic, but no longer believe in *all*of the Catholic teachings. Since Catholicism IS very black and white (you're with them or against them) I cannot consider myself to be a Catholic. Actually my faith at the moment is rather non-existent which only serves to further confuse the issue, since I have no religion on which to stand when it comes to morality. I do not believe that I need to 'repent' as it were, since that would mean I view my actions and feelings as *wrong*. Since I am still figuring out exactly how I feel, I don't wish to absolutely declare it *wrong*. I have shot myself in the foot there before.

And no worries about the length of your comment. My commenters all seem to hail from The Land of The Long Winded, and I LOVE them for it!

Anonymous [Luci] said...
So you can see yourself totally falling for this guy. What you did not mention was this B's feelings/interaction with you. Since you didn't say anything about that, I can assume two different things. One, he felt the same way, at which point you have to consider do you want to be involved with someone willing to get involved with a married woman in a loving committed relationship?

Second, he views you as a friend only, in which case you have yourself a crush. Nothing wrong with that in my eyes. I've had a crush or two since I've been married. I never acted on it, just enjoyed some fantasy what if time in my own head.

I also didn't gasp in horror. I think its normal to find oneself attracted to another person throughout one's life. Just because you can see youself falling for this guy does not mean you have to act on it.

{{hugs}} Thanks for sharing this with us, Temp.

Luci (having a terrible time getting blogger to let me post comments)

Luci, sorry about your bad time with Blogger. It seems to behave like a bugger whenever I have something really insightful to say ;) LOL.

I didn't talk much about B's feelings in the beginning because I thought that getting through my feelings at the time was complicated enough, nevermind how he was feeling. So, I will clear that up now.

B expressed feelings of affection towards me. Seeing as I had only just met him and haven't gotten to know him that well I can only speculate on how genuine he was. I don't think that his feelings towards me were really that alarming, a lot of men are attracted to me. I suppose that my reaction to him was the really unsettling part.

I was totally honest with him about being married and having kids. I am sure he found it a little strange, and from his comments I can say with a high degree of certainty that he doesn't see any long-term potential with me. Likewise I know that there is no long-term potential with him. Without revealing too much about him, he will be leaving the country in a couple of months, perhaps never to return.

This entire thing is really less about him, since I KNOW that I will not be with him. I guess I just worried that I could even find myself so drawn to someone, anyone really, besides my husband. I am young and I haven't had loads of life experience. I think it also scared me because of what a cheater I used to be, and I don't ever want to be that person again. Old familiar feelings might have caused me to blow the situation a teeny bit out of proportion. But that is what is so wonderful about your voice, along with the others. It helps put things into perspective. Thank you for your support Luci :)

Anonymous said...
You don't say if "B" is married or in a long term relationship. If he is and she does not know about you and he being together that could be a problem.

Any time two people have sex, even if both say that it is just for fun, the chance exists of emotional problems. That is another thing to take into consideration.

If, for instance, "B" decides that he is in love with you and becomes determined to persue that love, it could have an impact on the things that are important to you.

In an ideal world you should be able to do as you please. In the real world things can be more complicated than that and bad things could result.

11:13 AM

Anon, as far as he told me, B is not in a relationship of any kind. I can also say that I feel quite safe that he will not try to pursue anything more serious with me. Like I said to Luci, he is leaving the country (and he cannot opt out of it for any reason) in a few months, and after that I will probably never see or hear from him again.

RAheretic's swan said...
Temptation --

you wrote: "I don't know what to do with all these messy feelings I am having. I keep wondering what I am supposed to be feeling or thinking, are there any right or wrong answers, what does it all mean?

Given the opportunity, should I see this other person again? Should I chalk it up to some lapse of sanity and just get on with things? Should I just go with it and see what happens? Should I try to forget that it ever happened?"

Dear, feelings are often messy. You are "supposed" to be feeling exactly whatever it is you are feeling. You have not had a lapse of sanity. You have encountered another person with whom you feel some sort of connection. This is neither "good" or "bad" except in the lexicon of a social/religious value system that you are laying it up against at this moment. That is something that you will have to come to some sort of terms with as you work your way through this. No one can tell you which way to go with any of this right now. I believe that you are making good choices in talking with MJ, and giving yourself time to think and feel and explore without making any immediate decisions or reactions.

It is my belief that we are made for joy. I wish you much joy.

Write to me if you think I can help.


11:18 AM

Swan, thank you so much for your kind words and offer of support :) It means very much to me.

I am doing my best to make sense of it all, and it is reassuring to know that I am neither right nor wrong in my feelings. We cannot control how we feel, but I allow myself to heap loads of guilt onto my conscious when I feel a way that I think I shouldn't. It isn't very smart, nor does it make sense, and I am working on getting over it.

MJ and I are maintaining a lot of very open, honest, and sometimes uncomfortable communication. Sometimes I worry that I will say something that hurts him, something that I cannot repair. But what is a marriage worth if you cannot tell your spouse the truth, even when it is raw and ugly and you don't even want to admit it to yourself.

Thank you again for commenting :)


Well that was long and mentally kind of exhausting. Thank you again to all of you for sharing your opinions and support. I am turning off comment moderation because it turns out that only wonderful caring people bothered to speak to this, and I appreciate that.

I read an interesting article recently that I want to share here. Please note that this is not my showing of support for swinging or open marriages. I just found it rather thought provoking. It is pretty long, but worth the read in my opinion.

The New Monogamy

As always thoughts in my comment box are most welcome :)


Thursday, November 17, 2005
What Happened To The Butterflies?

Writing this post is a huge leap for me. I am trying to stretch myself far out of my comfort zone. I think that it is important for me to get this out, and as you read it, please keep in mind that just because you might not agree with me, does not give you the right to be cruel or rude to me. I have turned on comment moderation, just for the time being, and all comments will be going through MJ before they appear here. He has the ability to not care about what people think, so I am letting him deal with any assholes that decide to share their opinion here.

I have never been particularly good at monogamy. Every single relationship I have ever had eventually involved some level of infidelity (including my early days with MJ) . Yes, I am young, and I have only had a handful of serious relationships in my life, but I seem to be prone to spreading the love around, so to speak.

It's not that I liked cheating, or wanted to hurt the person that I was with. For reasons unkown, I just seemed to find myself in love/lust/infatuation with other people at the same time that I was involved with someone else. It wasn't because I wasn't fulfilled or happy in my relationships at the time, and please spare me any arguments to the contrary, you weren't there.

Of course, you could argue, that just because I felt a certain way, did not mean that I had to act on it. That is true, but I never really understood why I should have to limit myself to just loving one person (especially when I was younger and wanted to experiment a lot).

We are expected to love our parents, our siblings, other family members and friends, and all of our children. Humans have such a HUGE capacity for love and affection. It makes me wonder why on earth we can't have romantic love with anyone but our husband/wife/partner/whatever. Please understand that I am not making an argument for poly relationships or swinging or what have you, this is simply me thinking outloud. I haven't yet decided how I feel about these things, at least not in any absolute kind of way. Seriously though, think about it. If we can have loads of love for everyone under the sun, doesn't it make sense, at least intellectually, that we should have the capacity to be in love with more than one person at a time? I am not saying it is right, or moral, or my choice, it simply seems to make sense rationally.

A lot of people get married and are completely fulfilled by their partner. They have no desire to be with anyone else, and you know what, that is awesome. I really want that to be me...I just don't know if it can be me.

See, last weekend I met someone else.

Another man.

Don't all gasp in horror, MJ knew and knows everything about it both before and after the entire thing. I certainly wouldn't blog about it here before I told him about it.

I felt a strong connection with this other person.

And that totally freaked me out.

I never really expected that sort of thing to happen, as I have not felt this way about anyone besides MJ in a long time. Of course I don't have the same feelings for...(hmmm, I suppose he needs a name, so I will refer to him as B). Anyway, I don't have the same feelings for B that I have for MJ, that is just ridiculous.

But there was that potential.

I could totally see myself falling for this guy, given the time and circumstances.

And that fact, that potential for love outside of my marriage, well it totally fucked me up.

I will admit that I have always looked down my nose with total contempt at people who are unfaithful. I am only slightly less disgusted by people who do it consensually. Being the pervert that I am, I try to keep an open mind and not judge others, because I don't like to be judged. But my entire life I knew that any sort of 'cheating' was WRONG WRONG WRONG.

As you can see, this is causing a lot of emotional turmoil for me. On one hand I have always been raised Catholic, taught that you are supposed to fall in love with one person, and one person only. I love MJ more than anything in the world. He makes me happier than I ever thought possible. I don't need anyone else to fulfill me. I also don't need chocolate cake, but that doesn't stop me from eating it. On the other hand, I don't know what to do with all these messy feelings I am having. I keep wondering what I am supposed to be feeling or thinking, are there any right or wrong answers, what does it all mean?

Given the opportunity, should I see this other person again? Should I chalk it up to some lapse of sanity and just get on with things? Should I just go with it and see what happens? Should I try to forget that it ever happened?

So many questions, so few answers. I don't think that I have the life experience to deal with this sort of thing.

Anyone that might be concerned about the state of my marriage, don't be. I have been totally honest with MJ about all of my feelings. He and I have talked about it a lot, and will continue to talk about it. We aren't going through a hard time or anything, this is just something unexpected that happened, and we are trying to figure it out as best we can. We are not considering poly or having an open marriage or anything like that. We have never been in this situation before, so we are taking our time making sense of it all. There is no threat of things going downhill, and MJ has the absolute last word in where we go from this point. I would never put my marriage or my kids on the line, and neither would MJ. Basically we are just being very cautious, talking lots, and making sure that everything it out in the open.

So here I am, my underbelly exposed. I don't know where this is going, if anywhere. I may blog about it again, I may not. But I felt that I should get this out, at least for my own good. Thank you for taking the time to read it, and hopefully the comment moderation will have been for nothing.

Tags: , ,

Wednesday, November 16, 2005
My Complexes Give Me A Complex

Well, my life upheaval has kind of leveled out. I still feel like something is off-kilter in my brain, but it isn't consuming me at this point. I still don't have the answers, I don't know if I can find them right now. Hell, I don't even know if they exist.

I have been hesitant to blog about the details of what caused all this heavy emotional stuff. See, I have a complex when it comes to blogging. Let me explain... or try to ;)

I LOVE writing, and blogging seems to agree with me. I actually like how I write on this blog, as opposed to when I try to write anything else, cause then I am just crap. I can't write fiction, non-fiction, my life story, nothing. It just comes out sounding totally mental. When I found blogging, I sort of found my writing niche. I can do this, the sporadic outpouring of my soul onto this page. My tiny corner of cyber space where I reveal to you the inner workings of my mind.

Sadly, I suffer from another complex that seriously stunts the blogging experience for me. I cannot STAND to know that someone doesn't like me. It doesn't have to be someone I know, but if I suspect that someone doesn't like me, I just feel crushed. Seriously, and I know it sounds totally fucked up.

For example, every time we had to deal with people involved in the building of our new house (kitchen designers, flooring people, etc, etc) I worried that they might not like me. I worry that when people act like they like me, that they are actually faking it and secretly dislike me.

I know that it is terribly egotistical to believe that people spend so much time thinking about me (either positively or negatively). Plus I know that this entire problem stems from my struggle with low self-esteem and self-doubt. So why can't I just get over it?

Beats the hell out of me, but if you have the answer, please share. I would love to know how to stop caring about what other people think.

So, back to blogging. Because I am so afraid that I will say something that will cause my readers to not like me or stop reading me, I censor myself. Sometimes more than others. When it comes to topics that I think might make some of my readers boo and hiss, I just don't blog them. Or I do blog them, but I keep it vague.

This is one of those times. I am seriously too chicken to tell you all the truth about what happened to me recently. I am afraid that some of you won't like it.

Good grief, I feel stupider just for admitting it. I have to hit publish now or I might just delete this post.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Peeling Off My Skin

Have you ever been going along, living your life all Tra La La, everything right in the world. And then suddenly something happens, and you are left questioning things that you have been taught and believed in since you were a small child? You discover that sometimes the ideas that you have come to accept as true, are perhaps not as true as you thought. It leaves one with an uneasy feeling and you start to wonder if you should embrace these new possibilities, or simply hang on to your old way of thinking.

In case you are wondering, something like this happened to me just recently. I am still trying to make sense of it all. Just when I think that I have it pulled all apart and put back together, a piece comes off and refuses to go back on in the way that I want it to. It's like a Rubik's cube from hell. I keep turning it over and examining it some more, and it makes me feel so uncomfortable because I am trying to find answers and I don't know if there really are any.

MJ is being wonderful of course, giving me plenty of time to try and make sense of it all, at the same time being so supportive and understanding. He encourages me to analyze it outloud, listening while I struggle. I am so very lucky to have such a wonderful man to love me.

I want this discomfort to go away. I feel conflicted, and tired. MJ says that I toss and turn at night, and I wake up feeling like I have been run over by a rather large and fast-moving motor vehicle. How long is this going to last?

Friday, November 11, 2005
Will Have Sex For More Blog Traffic

So, a little update on my experiment with Technorati. So far I haven't gotten a lot of hits from the tags added to my posts, which is not surprising, considering I only have 4 of them total, LOL.

In the process of learning about Technorati, I also signed up for an 'account' there. It's free, and in some ways it is like BlogLines, you can track your favorite blogs and get the updates sent to your account as soon as Technorati picks them up. You can also enter Tags that you are interested in, such as 'Paris Hilton' or 'Goat Sex' and it will send you feeds whenever it picks up a blog that includes those words.

One of the perks as a blog owner is that you 'claim' your blog and it is added to your account. You can get a nifty little search box and a list of who links to you, that you can add to your sidebar (see mine on the right, under my Listed With section). As I have found out, the best part is that Technorati allows you to add up to 20 tags to your blog, so that when someone searches Technorati for one of your tag words, your blog will be part of the list. I have gotten quite a few hits from that already, and I have found out that my blog ranks pretty high among tags for Bondage, Anal Sex, and Submission. Of course I believe the only reason I even make it onto the radar is because a lot of bloggers aren't taking full advantage of Technorati. I didn't even want to tell you all this because I know that I could get shipped on down the list if more prominent sex bloggers decide to add tags to their blogs. But I believe in Karma and I want to share the blog traffic love with everyone.

Without delving deep into the inner workings of Technorati, I believe that they rank blogs on how many incoming links they have from other sites, and perhaps (although I am totally unsure of this) how may times certain keywords appear on the blog in question (much like the mysterious Google search ranking system). Don't quote me on this though, LOL.

I would really encourage anyone who wants to increase their blog traffic to at least 'register' your blog and add a bunch of tags to it. Also write an interesting description, so that people will want to read you. If you don't use any features beyond that, at least you will have a better chance at being found by people with similar interests.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005
At The Top Of My Christmas Wish List...

Wire Crate

I am the opposite of claustrophobic. I love being in small enclosed spaces. As a child I loved hiding under beds or in empty boxes (who didn't?). Even as an adult I find something very soothing about the thought of being locked up in a cage. I simply can't explain it... like so many of my other desires, it just is.

As an aside, I want to stress to anyone who tinkers in confinement NEVER, EVER, EVER lock up or otherwise restrain a person and then leave them alone. It is stupid and dangerous and you are just asking for trouble. If you MUST go into another room, make sure that you do not leave the other person gagged. If something terrible should happen (a fire, they panic or have a heart attack, anything is possible) you want to be able to hear them. Please do not take chances that could end badly.


I Like Cheap Thrills

I have recently noticed more and more blogs adding Technorati tags to their blog posts. I suppose that this is traffic whoring for the most part, although I am sure some people just do it to share their common interest in Cheerleaders with other strange people.

In an effort to keep up with the Joneses I poked around to find out how this tag business works. Some blog hosts (Typepad and the like) make it very simple to have tags. In fact they have built-in categories that you can assign to your posts, and PING! instant tags.

Blogger doesn't have such a thing, so us poor folks that cannot afford to actually pay to blog, have to add them manually. You can go to Technorati and click on the tab for TAGS. Then you type in a word that is related to something in your blog post and hit search. It will generate a list of recent posts that contain the word you searched, along with some related tags. On the left of the list, in the sidebar, it gives you an option to add this tag to your blog, and will generate a nifty little code that you copy and paste into your blog post.

OR, you can go to this page and get a copy of the little code and instructions on how to use it. You just insert it manually into all of your blog posts and it lets Technorati know that you just wrote an informational post about Anal Sex. Then everyone searching Technorati for posts about anal sex will come and find you.

Seems easy enough, so I will give it a try and see if anything exciting happens.


Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Heirloom Houseplants

My Christmas Cactus is in bloom.

Christmas Cactus

There is something wonderful about having a plant so beautiful and alive inside my house, while outside everything is bowing aside for winter to make her entrance. The trees are swaying, naked of their leaves, amongst seas of brown grass. But inside my house things are green and blooming.

This is the first place I have been able to keep a lot of houseplants. Our condo didn't offer much in the way of direct sunlight. I had one lonely plant that managed to live through those years with us.

Shortly after we moved into this new house my mother presented me with five houseplants that she has been nurturing for a long time. One of them is nearly three decades old! She has had it my entire life, and I would be lying if I said that it didn't hold some level of sentimental value. But she didn't keep any cuttings of the damned thing, so now I am expected to keep it alive for another 30 years, until I can pawn it off on one of my kids. This particular kind of plant can live up to 200 years.

Some families have heirloom quilts or jewelry... my family has houseplants. That is what we pass on to our kids when they finally get a big enough house, LOL.

Cactus Bloom

Friday, November 04, 2005
Pick A Number Between One And Nine...

I don't know how accurate this is, but I am a number 3, and in some ways this describes me very well ;) LOL.

Birth Test:

Your birth date describes who we are, what we are good at and what our inborn abilities are. It also points to what we have to learn and the challenges we are facing.

To figure out your Birth Number, add all the numbers in the birth date together, like in the example, until there is only one digit. A Birth Number does not prevent you from being anything you want to be: it will just color your choice differently and give you a little insight.

Example: March 20, 1950
3 + 20 + 1950 = 1973
1 + 9 + 7 + 3 = 20
2 + 0 = 2
Keep going until you end up with a single digit number. 2 is the Birth Number to read for the birth date in the example.


1s are originals. Coming up with new ideas and executing them is natural. Having things their own way is another trait that gets them as being stubborn and arrogant. 1s are extremely honest and do well to learn some diplomacy skills. They like to take the initiative and are often leaders or bosses, as they like to be the best. Being self-employed is definitely helpful for them. Lesson to learn: Others' ideas might be just as good or better and to stay open minded.
Famous 1s: Tom Hanks, Robert Redford, Hulk Hogan, Carol Burnett, Wynona Judd, Nancy Reagan, Raquel Welch.

2s are the born diplomats. They are aware of others' needs and moods and often think of others before themselves. Naturally analytical and very intuitive they don't like to be alone. Friendship and companionship is very important and can lead them to be successful in life, but on the other hand they'd rather be alone than in an uncomfortable relationship. Being naturally shy they should learn to boost their self-esteem and express themselves freely and seize the moment and not put things off.
Famous 2s: President Bill Clinton, Madonna, Whoopee Goldberg, Thomas Edison, Wolfgang Amadeus, Mozart.

3s are idealists. They are very creative, social, charming, romantic, and easygoing. They start many things, but don't always see them through. They like others to be happy and go to great lengths to achieve it. They are very popular and idealistic. They should learn to see the world from a more realistic point of view.
Famous 3s: Alan Alder, Ann Landers, Bill Cosby, Melanie Griffith, Salvador Dali, Jodi Foster

4s are sensible and traditional. They like order and routine. They only act when they fully understand what they are expected to do. They like getting their hands dirty and working hard. They are attracted to the outdoors and feel an affinity with nature. They are prepared to wait and can be stubborn and persistent They should learn to be more flexible and to be nice to themselves.
Famous 4s: Neil Diamond, Margaret Thatcher, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tina Turner, Paul Hogan, Oprah Winfrey, Dimakatso Mabaso

5s are the explorers. Their natural curiosity, risk taking, and enthusiasm often land them in hot water. They need diversity, and don't like to be stuck in a rut. The whole world is their school and they see a learning possibility in every situation. The questions never stop. They are well advised to look before they take action and make sure they have all the facts before jumping to conclusions.
Famous 5s: Abraham Lincoln, Charlotte Bronte, Jessica Walter, Vincent Van Gogh, Bette Midler, Helen Keller and Mark Hail.

6s are idealistic and need to feel useful to be happy. A strong family connection is important to them. Their actions influence their decisions. They have a strong urge to take care of others and to help. They are very loyal and make great teachers. They like art or music. They make loyal friends who take the friendship seriously. 6s should learn to differentiate between what they can change and what they cannot.
Famous 6s: Albert Einstein, Jane Seymour, John Denver, Meryl Streep, Christopher Columbus, Goldie Hawn

7s are the searchers. Always probing for hidden information, they find it difficult to accept things at face value. Emotions don't sway their decisions. Questioning everything in life, they don't like to be questioned themselves. They're never off to a fast start, and their motto is slow and steady wins the race. They come across as philosophers and being very knowledgeable, and sometimes as loners. They are technically inclined and make great researchers uncovering information. They like secrets. They live in their own world and should learn what is acceptable and what not in the world at large.
Famous 7s: William Shakespeare, Lucille Ball, Michael Jackson , Joan Baez, Princess Diana

8s are the problem solvers. They are professional, blunt and to the point, have good judgment and are decisive. They have grand plans and like to live the good life. They take charge of people. They view people objectively. They let you know in no uncertain terms that they are the boss. They should learn to exude their decisions on their own needs rather than on what others want.
Famous 8s: Edgar Cayce, Barbra Streisand, George Harrison, Jane Fonda, Pablo Picasso, Aretha Franklin, Nostrodamus, and Ron Connolly

9s are natural entertainers. They are very caring and generous, giving away their last dollar to help. With their charm, they have no problem making friends and nobody is a stranger to them. They have so many different personalities that people around them have a hard time understanding them. They are like chameleons, ever changing and blending in. They have tremendous luck, but also can suffer from extremes in fortune and mood. To be successful, they need to build a loving foundation.
Famous 9s: Albert Schweitzer, Shirley MacLaine, Harrison Ford, Jimmy Carter, Elvis Presley

If you want, share your number in my comments box and feel free to add how these do or do not describe you accurately. It's all in good fun!

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